There are times in marriage when you feel separate rather than together, and more chaos than peace. Oftentimes in distressed marriages, couples tend to lose confidence that their partner cares.
Does she still care about me? Does he care about us?
When the relationship feels threatened — it can disrupt what you once considered strong. Feeling disconnected from the person you love jeopardizes your sense of safety.
You could also be dealing with the internal struggle between what you want your relationship to be versus what it has become.
Under the influence of feeling like the relationship is devoid of hope, negativity creeps in. You may even be questioning if the relationship is worth it.
What are three ways you can instill confidence in your relationship?
A Positive View
It’s not easy, but you have to make a conscious effort to recognize your partner’s positive traits. When you’re able to minimize how often you see his or her negative traits, it allows space for you to notice their positive ones.
Have you seen your partner do something you appreciate, but refused to acknowledge it? I wonder if it’s your way of punishing them? Does your inner dialogue sound something like this — he or she doesn’t deserve to be recognized for that, they should be doing that anyway!
A positive view of your partner slows down knee-jerk suspicions about their mood, or something he or she said. You’re less likely to take your partner’s negative emotions personally.
You’re more likely to chop it up to him or her having a bad day. Being intentional about cultivating a positive view emphasizes the belief that your partner’s intentions are good.
Consider Your Actions
This is a tough one.
It’s hard to recognize how you have contributed to the state of the relationship, when you’re hurt. Once you’re able to get in front of your uncertainty about the relationship, you may see that he or she isn’t as irrational as you’ve labeled them; and you’re not as innocent as you would like to think.
Accepting responsibility for some of the problem allows emotional space to see your partner differently. If you’re directly (or indirectly) communicating to your partner — it’s all your fault — you’re giving energy to your uncertainty.
Pointing fingers keeps you trapped in negative cycles. Your partner will end up defending his or her character to avoid looking like the “bad guy”. And you will do the same.
Owning up to your contribution, injects the hope necessary to move forward in repairing the relationship.
Staying cemented in your opinion that it’s all his or her fault widens the risk of pushing them away. It’s difficult to connect with someone that sees you as the problem.
Be Honest With Your Experience
This is about speaking up. Holding back may be your hesitation to believe that your partner will understand, or even listen to you. It’s not uncommon for spouses to close up to each other.
As a result, confidence dwindles down to tolerating each other.
Your hurt is probably not easy to articulate. Digging through the pain of feeling devalued, unheard and frustrated is daunting. But it can also be transformational, for both of you, if you can talk through it.
Feeling confident in your marriage makes it slightly easier to handle the inevitable hurt.
The silence doesn’t seem as loud after an argument.
You attribute less negative intent to your partner’s words, and behaviors.
There is a level of courage that comes with being honest. But, it’s in that moment, you allow your partner to see you.
A confident relationship is smothered in emotional honesty. You learn, together, how to accept truthfulness from each other, and build (or rebuild) confidence in your marriage.